Dying multi-millionairess and ex-oil tycoon Teadora Juliet wants to bequeath me all her dough! Unfortunately she wants me to use it to build an Orphanage. Well fuck those stinking orphans, I'm keeping it.
TEADORA’S E-MAIL
Dear in the Lord,
The grass withers and the flower falls but the word of our God stands forever.I am really weak and tired but i'm not scared to die because it is paramount to every soul. More so it has been appointed for man to die once after death judgement.
I am Mrs Teadora Juliet , Now a retired oil merchant, I am a patient here in lmc health centre,I am dying of bone and skin cancer, after being diagnosed of this ailment, the doctor says i have a short time to live that it is by miracle that i'm still alive. I am a native of Phills currently based in Kuwait, i have no kids my hubby is dead, i do not have any relations but been directed by the LORD to inform you of his will to have you as his servant .I have contacted you as someone that can be trusted to use my fund for the lords purpose and his children.
After i lost my husband i sold all my property and kept the funds i realised from it in the BANK for safe keeping.During this period i prayed to the lord and he revealed to me that i should seek an individual who will use this funds to glorify his name and he also revealed to me that i will find the person in a miraculous way. when i got your contact the spirit revealed to me that you are the one i've long been seeking.But knowing that if anything happens to me this wealth will be claimed by some bank official.
I’m not going to go onto all the stuff about you losign your husband – we’ve all ogot our peo
After i prayed about the whole issue and cried for so long he gave me a vision of faith in my dream and when i woke up i had my bible by my side opened to Leviticus 5:15 : which says "If any one commits a breach of faith and sins unwittingly in any of the holy things of the LORD or defy the lord's command , he shall bring, as his guilt offering to the LORD a ram without blemish out of the flock, valued by you in shekels of silver, according to the shekel of the sanctuary; it is a guilt offering.i prayed to the LORD to put me through to the right path, Who then led me to you in a miraculous way.
I have contacted you to assist in using my wealth for the development of his kingdom work, i want you to act fast and have this funds out of the Bank before it is declared unserviceable by the Bank. I seek your consent to present you as my next of kin. so that the proceeds of this Funds in the Bank valued at $14.2 million dollars be paid to you for the lord's purpose and then you can use the money to glorify the lord(HELPING THE ORPHANAGE AND SETTING UP CHARITY HOME
CONTACT MY LAWYER FOR IMMEDIATE PROCEEDINGS.
Please i wait your quick response to this email: stephenbrownson.1@w.cn
Remain Blessed.In His Service.
Mrs Teadora Juliet.
MY RESPONSE:
My dearest Teadora,
Your beautiful words moved me to tears. I’m so lucky that despite your terminal skin and bone cancer, you’ve managed to find the strength to type this e-mail. Quite a feat.
I too have been searching for someone. I had a dream a few weeks ago…an astonishing dream that filled me with wonder. In it Joe Swash came unto me, and spake thus: ‘Yea! Seek out the elderly one who holds $14 million….. seek her out, and take responsibility for this money. Give it to charity blah blah blah”
To be honest I started zoning out a bit at this point. I find Swash’s cockney chatter a bit irritating after a while. It was something about getting the money, giving it to good causes, etc etc. If I’m being truthful, if I get my hands on that money I’m just going to blow it all on cocaine and prostitutes – fuck God.
That’s right Teadora, Fuck Him. I doubt very much that He exists, and to be fair it would be better for Him if He didn’t, because if He does, I’m going to break His callous, spindly, ethereal legs.
Why so bitter? you may ask. Well I’ll tell you. I’m also dying Teadora. It’s face Aids. That’s right. I’ve got the Aids all over my mug – it’s in its advanced stages, and there’s no cure. My face looks like an omelette.
“What did I do to deserve this? Why have you forsaken me GOD? WHY? WHY YOU CUNT??. These are things scream at the moon every night. Oh I know what He’d say, in his stupid spazzy, patronising God voice….. ‘you’ve been a bad person. You didn’t believe in me”…. As if everything’s about him!! What is this, some sort of massive vanity project?? Are we on The God Show? How about stop being so fucking selfish God – stop giving people Aids you massive beardy paedo?
What’s the point Teadora? What’s actually the point in carrying on anymore? You must feel the same surely? You act good all your life, you’re a decent person, you don’t try and rip anyone off or swindle them, and then along comes God and fucks you up the arse with some huge celestial dildo… SURPRISE!!! YOU’VE GOT FACE AIDS!!!!! WERE’NT EXPECTING THAT WERE YOU???!! Like he’s some sort of cosmic Jeremy Beadle playing a hilarious prank on his poor, devoted unsuspecting minions. Haha God, you card. Ha fucking ha.
Do you know what? I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m just going to do whatever the fuck I want. In fact, I’ve already started… I’ve kidnapped that idiot Joe Swash and put him in the boot of my car. He’s not even famous anymore is he? No one will know. He was never a proper part of Eastenders anyway, not like Dot or Ian. Can you imagine trying to kidnap Dot? There’d be a national outcry. No-one gives a fuck about Swash. Easy pickings.
I intend to have him stuffed and mounted on a plinth. You can have him as a gift if you like? He keeps crying and moaning…. ‘Lemme go! Oi ain’t dahn naaathin to yoo’. I’ll be honest, his screams of terror are starting to grate on me a bit. I’ve tried to ask him to scream a bit nicer, a bit more middle-class, but he just sits there squeaking like a common church mouse.
What say you Teadora? Fancy joining me on my insane, nihilistic car crash into oblivion? How old are you anyway? I get the feeling you’re advanced in years. Fuck it, shall we have sex? I’ve got nothing to lose now really. I might as well try everything before I go. Boning a pensioner isn’t even all that taboo. I might fuck a pigeon, or a frog or something. Who cares?
Teadora…. what a beautiful, unusual name. It almost sounds like one of those made up names you get –you know like the ones American’s tend to use – names like Brock and Lexington. To be honest, that annoys me a bit. Surely there’s some sort of law or rule about names – can anyone just name their kids anything nowadays then? Can I call mine Fuckity McGee and Poowank? Like some sort of bizarre crime fighting duo? I won’t do, because I’m not a cunt, which is more than can be said for people called Brock. Anyway, I suppose this is irrelevant…neither of us have much time left so I shouldn’t be waste my time worrying about it.
You can deposit the $14 million into my PayPal account – I’m not going to deal with your lawyer ‘Stephen Brownson’ – he sounds like a dickhead. Please commend him on the trustworthiness and Englishness of his name though – it couldn’t really be much more trustworthy could it? He might as well be called Honest McTruthful or something.
Good luck with the ol' skin and bone cancer. I anticipate the speedy transfer of my £14 million.
R
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