Hot Blonde Russian

Yana's E-Mail

Hello my new friend Ross.

Excuse, that not at once I answer you. I hope, you will be glad to receive my letter.

I would like to get acquainted with you more close. Unfortunately, I cannot often visit the Internet, and write on a site, but I can write you letters every day if you answer me.

Now I will tell something about myself. My name Yana, me of 29 years. I live in Russia in city Himki. I understand, between us the big distance, but we could learn each other well through letters.
What do you search on the Internet? I wish to meet the man for serious relations. Unfortunately, in a life I did not have a serious man, but hope, here I can meet the love.

Tell to me also something about itself, well? I hope, you will not be against our acquaintance, and will write to me to the answer.

I will wait.

I will send the photos. You like I?

Tomorrow I will write to you more about myself.

Yana

My Response

Sorry I prefer brunnettes.

"It's just me and you now doily, me and you agai- COMING MOTHER!!"

Even I don't really know what this ones about.

Gay's E-mail

From:	Gay (sddsnzbn@madhuri.com)
Sent:	13 August 2012 02:53:27

Hello!
I'm independent, kind, gentle, passionate woman. Recently, I creased my boyfriend, and now looking for a new love,
or passionate sex. I send you my erotic photo, and I hope that you will answer me.
I kiss you.

My Response

Good evening Gay.

I’m pleased you decided to contact me. I get so very lonely sometimes, rattling around this old house on my own. Of course there’s Mother to keep me company, but she never comes down stairs and only speaks to me to scream for more Curly Wurlies or empty her bedpan.

She’d kill me if she knew I was using the computer-box... “Machine of the devil...! I can hear you defiling yourself!!”. I try and tell her I’m just watching re-runs of Bodger and Badger but she won’t have it. She’s convinced I’m committing onanism.

It sounds like you are as desperate for love as me. I too have felt the bittersweet pain of love lost. Don’t tell Mother this, but for some time I was quite taken by one of her doilies on the mantelpiece.

We tried to keep it a secret, and to be fair doily coped admirably – didn’t say a word. It was I who could not hold it in anymore. I can still remember it to this day:

Me: Oh doily I can’t stand it any longer! I love you!

Mother (from upstairs): Bryan! Are you talking that doily again?

Me: No mother....

Mother: Don’t lie to me! Don’t think I haven’t heard you whispering to it down there, on your own, in the dark.

Me: I don’t know what you mean Mother!

Mother: Don’t lie to me Bryan. You know what happens to little boys who lie to their mothers. Have you been touching your front-tail again...?

Me: NO Mother, don’t...!

Mother: I can hear you, down there, in the dark, touching your tail in front of that computer box, fingering that doily...

Me: MOTHER STOP!

Mother: It’s disgusting Bryan! Defiling yourself like that! I want you to you to keep away from the mantelpiece from now on you filthy little beast!

The most heartbreaking part of it was that doily didn’t stick up for me. He just lay there. I was quite hurt. So I understand your pain about the crease in your boyfriend. I very nearly put a crease in doily in a fit of rage after the incident with Mother. I held myself back though – it’s not his fault. She can be very domineering sometimes.

Thank you for the photo. I have to say it confused me a bit. Where’s your tail – did you have an accident? It looks like it’s been chopped off.

Shhhhhh.....! Can you hear that? It’s Mother. She must have passed a stool. I better go quickly or she’ll suspect me of debasing myself.

Until next, sweet Gay.

Janelle has clearly been smoking crack.

JANELLE'S E-MAIL

From: janelle3j@verizon.net


I am flo_ating up in the air with so much love for you. I feel li;g'hter. ;an.d at peace j.u'st knowi ng that I can see you. You inspire_ me. I'm forwarding :you an eCard so y:ou'll 'k;now how special you are ,to me. View the_ Note 46


RESPONSE

Hi Janelle,

Thanks for getting in touch - although I have to say your somewhat cryptic message terrified me to my very soul. My main concern being the vaguely Peter Sutcliffe-esque undertones of your assertion that you can 'see' me.

How exactly? What's going on here…..? Have you been hiding up my chimney or something……? Is that what that scratching noise has been about? I thought it was pigeon.


You’re not a pigeon are you Janelle? That would be just my luck. No action in years, and when something finally turns up, society will probably judge me for taking my opportunity. Fucking society. It’s the same as when I thought that starfish was coming on to me in Brighton Aquarium – I could swear it kept looking at me. Bloody prick tease. I would have worn that dirty echinoderm like a glove! – which might work out quite well actually given the shape. I’d just have to find a way of squeezing my hand up its bum and boom! A new wanking-mitt.


But nooooooo, having sex with a sea creature is wrong, you’re not allowed to climb into the tanks, you’re scaring the children. Fucking nosey Aquarium staff – who do they think they are.... the sex police? How dare they deny me love!


Anyway, thanks for saying I’m inspiring – I try my best. I wish you’d tell my mum that!  She’s always moaning… ‘Put some trousers on….. you can’t just sit around all day watching re-runs of Eggheads…. at least cook those Fray Bentos pies if you’re going to eat them out the tin…. moan moan moan’. I tell her I’m sticking it to the man but she just looks at me with disgust and regret.


As much as I wanted to view your ‘e-card’, I’m afraid that if I click this link, a load of willies will appear on my computer and I won’t be able to remove them. Call me over-cautious, but I’ve been fooled by this kind of thing before. Only last month some bastard convinced me to ‘invest’ in a load of dodgy pills….needless to say they didn’t work. All that happened was that I felt a bit funny watching Bargain Hunt. Enlargement my arse. 

Multi-Millionairess Ex-Oil Tycoon wants to give me all her lovely money!!

Dying multi-millionairess and ex-oil tycoon Teadora Juliet wants to bequeath me all her dough! Unfortunately she wants me to use it to build an Orphanage. Well fuck those stinking orphans, I'm keeping it.

TEADORA’S E-MAIL

Dear in the Lord,

The grass withers and the flower falls but the word of our God stands forever.I am really weak and tired but i'm not scared to die because it is paramount to every soul. More so it has been appointed for man to die once after death judgement.

I am Mrs Teadora Juliet , Now a retired oil merchant, I am a patient here in lmc health centre,I am dying of bone and skin cancer, after being diagnosed of this ailment, the doctor says i have a short time to live that it is by miracle that i'm still alive. I am a native of Phills currently based in Kuwait, i have no kids my hubby is dead, i do not have any relations but been directed by the LORD to inform you of his will to have you as his servant .I have contacted you as someone that can be trusted to use my fund for the lords purpose and his children.

After i lost my husband i sold all my property and kept the funds i realised from it in the BANK for safe keeping.During this period i prayed to the lord and he revealed to me that i should seek an individual who will use this funds to glorify his name and he also revealed to me that i will find the person in a miraculous way. when i got your contact the spirit revealed to me that you are the one i've long been seeking.But knowing that if anything happens to me this wealth will be claimed by some bank official.

I’m not going to go onto all the stuff about you losign your husband – we’ve all ogot our peo

After i prayed about the whole issue and cried for so long he gave me a vision of faith in my dream and when i woke up i had my bible by my side opened to Leviticus 5:15 : which says "If any one commits a breach of faith and sins unwittingly in any of the holy things of the LORD or defy the lord's command , he shall bring, as his guilt offering to the LORD a ram without blemish out of the flock, valued by you in shekels of silver, according to the shekel of the sanctuary; it is a guilt offering.i prayed to the LORD to put me through to the right path, Who then led me to you in a miraculous way.

I have contacted you to assist in using my wealth for the development of his kingdom work, i want you to act fast and have this funds out of the Bank before it is declared unserviceable by the Bank. I seek your consent to present you as my next of kin. so that the proceeds of this Funds in the Bank valued at $14.2 million dollars be paid to you for the lord's purpose and then you can use the money to glorify the lord(HELPING THE ORPHANAGE AND SETTING UP CHARITY HOME

CONTACT MY LAWYER FOR IMMEDIATE PROCEEDINGS.

Please i wait your quick response to this email: stephenbrownson.1@w.cn

Remain Blessed.In His Service.

Mrs Teadora Juliet.




MY RESPONSE:

My dearest Teadora,

Your beautiful words moved me to tears. I’m so lucky that despite your terminal skin and bone cancer, you’ve managed to find the strength to type this e-mail. Quite a feat.

I too have been searching for someone. I had a dream a few weeks ago…an astonishing dream that filled me with wonder. In it Joe Swash came unto me, and spake thus: ‘Yea! Seek out the elderly one who holds $14 million….. seek her out, and take responsibility for this money. Give it to charity blah blah blah”

To be honest I started zoning out a bit at this point. I find Swash’s cockney chatter a bit irritating after a while. It was something about getting the money, giving it to good causes, etc etc. If I’m being truthful, if I get my hands on that money I’m just going to blow it all on cocaine and prostitutes – fuck God.

That’s right Teadora, Fuck Him. I doubt very much that He exists, and to be fair it would be better for Him if He didn’t, because if He does, I’m going to break His callous, spindly, ethereal legs.

Why so bitter? you may ask. Well I’ll tell you. I’m also dying Teadora. It’s face Aids. That’s right. I’ve got the Aids all over my mug – it’s in its advanced stages, and there’s no cure. My face looks like an omelette.

“What did I do to deserve this? Why have you forsaken me GOD? WHY? WHY YOU CUNT??. These are things scream at the moon every night. Oh I know what He’d say, in his stupid spazzy, patronising God voice….. ‘you’ve been a bad person. You didn’t believe in me”…. As if everything’s about him!! What is this, some sort of massive vanity project?? Are we on The God Show? How about stop being so fucking selfish God – stop giving people Aids you massive beardy paedo?

What’s the point Teadora? What’s actually the point in carrying on anymore? You must feel the same surely? You act good all your life, you’re a decent person, you don’t try and rip anyone off or swindle them, and then along comes God and fucks you up the arse with some huge celestial dildo… SURPRISE!!! YOU’VE GOT FACE AIDS!!!!! WERE’NT EXPECTING THAT WERE YOU???!! Like he’s some sort of cosmic Jeremy Beadle playing a hilarious prank on his poor, devoted unsuspecting minions. Haha God, you card. Ha fucking ha.

Do you know what? I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m just going to do whatever the fuck I want. In fact, I’ve already started… I’ve kidnapped that idiot Joe Swash and put him in the boot of my car. He’s not even famous anymore is he? No one will know. He was never a proper part of Eastenders anyway, not like Dot or Ian. Can you imagine trying to kidnap Dot? There’d be a national outcry. No-one gives a fuck about Swash. Easy pickings.

I intend to have him stuffed and mounted on a plinth. You can have him as a gift if you like? He keeps crying and moaning…. ‘Lemme go! Oi ain’t dahn naaathin to yoo’. I’ll be honest, his screams of terror are starting to grate on me a bit. I’ve tried to ask him to scream a bit nicer, a bit more middle-class, but he just sits there squeaking like a common church mouse.

What say you Teadora? Fancy joining me on my insane, nihilistic car crash into oblivion? How old are you anyway? I get the feeling you’re advanced in years. Fuck it, shall we have sex? I’ve got nothing to lose now really. I might as well try everything before I go. Boning a pensioner isn’t even all that taboo. I might fuck a pigeon, or a frog or something. Who cares?

Teadora…. what a beautiful, unusual name. It almost sounds like one of those made up names you get –you know like the ones American’s tend to use – names like Brock and Lexington. To be honest, that annoys me a bit. Surely there’s some sort of law or rule about names – can anyone just name their kids anything nowadays then? Can I call mine Fuckity McGee and Poowank? Like some sort of bizarre crime fighting duo? I won’t do, because I’m not a cunt, which is more than can be said for people called Brock. Anyway, I suppose this is irrelevant…neither of us have much time left so I shouldn’t be waste my time worrying about it.

You can deposit the $14 million into my PayPal account – I’m not going to deal with your lawyer ‘Stephen Brownson’ – he sounds like a dickhead. Please commend him on the trustworthiness and Englishness of his name though – it couldn’t really be much more trustworthy could it? He might as well be called Honest McTruthful or something.

Good luck with the ol' skin and bone cancer. I anticipate the speedy transfer of my £14 million.


R

Tempting Data Entry Role for Ex-Porn Star.... 19/01/2012

Perhaps Hector really, truly does want to offer me a data entry job for £20 an hour. But I doubt it.

Hector's E-Mail

Flexible Shifts!

Great Pay!

Terrific Opportunity for a professional individual ready to move ahead in a great career.
As an Admin Assiatnt for our well-known, stable insurance Company.
Our historically steady growth is expected to continue space in and beyond 2011.
You will be responsible for data entry alphanumeric, 10 key and typing.

Strong computer skills, attention to detail and MS knowledge required.
Top compensation (we are paying 15.00-20.00 GBP/hour), immediate start, paid training,
and a rewarding work environment are just a few of the benefits of this position.

Attendance and punctuality must be outstanding!
If you feel that you are a fit for this position, please submit your resume today to

Hector@uknewcareer.com


MY REPLY

Hello Hector,

Thanks for getting in touch with me!

How fortunate that you should contact me at this time offering work – I have just recently been made redundant!

I would love to consider a data entry position - £20 an hour!! Wow, that’s a great salary for data entry. You must run a very successful company! I’d love to be a part of it.

I have to say, it’s a little out of my normal line of work … my previous employment lies more within the ‘adult entertainment’ industry. I built up quite a reputation for myself under the name of ‘The Banana Man’ – you may have heard of me? I star in such videos as:

Monkey Fuckfest 4: Gape those Apes
Chitty Chimpy Gang Bang: Confessions of the Chimp-Catcher
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: Monkey Sex Edition
Simian Senoritas: 2 chimps, 1 cup, 4 bananas and Neil Morrisey
Anal Ape Odyssey: Pummel that Primate
Submissive Simians: Choke on my Banana
Monkey Gang Bang 4: More monkeys than you can shake a dick at

and of course, the seminal classic:

Anal Ape Affair: Ten dicks, One Monkey.

Oh it’s a niche industry I admit, which is one of the reasons I grew to be such a big star I suppose. That and the fact that I will literally fuck anything with a tail and fur.

Unfortunately I got driven out of the business by that bastard Neil Morrisey. I've been bumming primates since he was knee high but he comes swanning in, Jonny-come-lately, stealing all my roles. Just because he's prepared to take as well as give - that's one thing I refuse to do. I have my morals. No monkey's putting his cock up MY arse, no sir. Morrisey on the other hand... he's had more monkeys in him than London Zoo.

Sorry, I digress – I imagine data entry will require many of the same skills as monkey fucking won’t it? Stamina, concentration, a thick skin, the ability to ignore the fact that you’re slowly but surely eroding your soul and making yourself less human, etc etc.

I am very keen to get started – no doubt you’ll need my bank account details to pay my wages in?

Please get in touch and let me know where we take it from here,

Yours,

R

Me and Annie Kissing in a Tree...First e-mail - 10th October 2011

Me and Annie kissing in a tree... oh what's that Annie...? you want my bank details?......... Here's what happened when a fat Polish man pretended to be a woman named Annie, in a thinly veiled effort to de-fraud me.

So recently some fuckwit tried to 'scam' me. Here's what happened....
... I'm hoping they'll stay in touch, and I can give regular updates on this.

From: littleangelaw@cityconsmstone.com

Hello!

I saw your profile at friendfinder, you're a very attractive man. I
know that usually the first step to introducing a man does, but I
decided that we should get to know and so I write to you herself. I am
a long time could not bring myself to write you, but I wrote and I
hope you are not disturbed. i'm Annie and I live in the UK, in a small
town Maidstone, near London, I'm 31 yars old. I'm looking for friend
for good communication, but I'll be happy if it would help me to find
a true love, because now I am alone. I work a lot and it's hard to
find friends in real life. But i'm very much would like to find a
friend with whom I communicate, talk on the phone and meet for cup of
cofee. I am interested only in dating in UK. I was warned that online
dating is a lot of fake profiles, so I hope that you are not fake and
resident of my country, if not, then please delete my post and not
respond. It was a very pity if you do not live in the UK, because I
really like you. I'll wait for your response and hope that it will be
a pleasant acquaintance and we will spend fun time together in future.

Annie.
UK, Maidstone.

MY REPLY......

Wow,

Hi Annie,

What a coincidence - I live near Maidstone as well!

I'm pleased that you think I'm a 'very attractive man' - I did not realise I had a picture up on 'friendfinder'.

To think, that of all the people you could have e-mailed, you choose me! I feel a very special man indeed. It's so hard to find true love nowadays isn't it, with all those dodgy scams they have on the internet? I can see that you're genuine though Annie - that much is clear from your sincere, heartfelt message.

I am pleased, as you keep reiterating, that you are 'from the UK' - I suppose it would be hard for us to meet up otherwise wouldn't it? I expect some sort of travel cost would be incurred - luckily as I am a multi-millionaire, I could help you out with that, but as you're UK-based, there'll be no need.

Perhaps we could meet up to 'get to know each other'?

I have to warn you though that I am into some very kinky practices involving all sorts of deviant stuff - whips, chains, rubber, farmyard animals - you name it, I'm into it.

I also have some strange fantasies and routines that I have without which I can't get off. Here's a list of things that have to happen:

1) You have to dress up as 80's magician, Paul Daniels, and I dress up as his beautiful assistant, Debbie Magee. I then sodomise you while you say 'that's a lovely crumpet', over and over again.

2) Before and after sex, you have to rub yourself all over your body with a Sainsbury's-own chicken - make sure you rub yourself good and proper, I love to smell that raw chickeny smell when I'm being fellated

3) During the act of intercourse, Michael Jackson's 'Earthsong' must be played at full volume on repeat

4) After sex, I generally like to empty my bowels. I will deposit a small poo in a child's Buzz Lightyear lunchbox, which you will then take with you when you leave. What you do with the box once you're out of my range of vision is entirely up to you.

If you think you can manage to comply with all the above requests, I'll be happy to meet you,

thanks,

R

Me and Annie Kissing in a Tree...Second e-mail - 25th November 2011

Me and Annie kissing in a tree... oh what's that Annie...? you want my bank details?......... Here's what happened when a fat Polish man pretended to be a woman named Annie, in a thinly veiled effort to de-fraud me.


'Annie' replied to my e-mail... lucky me! I thought I'd see how she'd feel about meeting a sinster, sadistic mental case. I'm guessing she'll be fine with it.


'ANNIE'S' E-MAIL'


Unfortunately I can not write a lot today because my boss asked me to do work
overtime. I am sorry that I can not answer your letter fully, but I promise that
tomorrow or the day after tomorrow I will write you a long letter! I just want
you to know that I think about you and do not forget about you. As soon as I am
free and my mind will be free for you, then I will write to you. I am very glad
that you did not throw me and keep writing to me. I am confident that we will
become good friends and maybe between us will be something more. Now I dream about
so that we can have our first phone call as soon as possible. I promise you that
we will call up and meet each other when the time comes. I ask you to write me a
letter at any time, I will be very pleased to read your letter. For me, a lot of
the meaning of your letter, because it's the only nice thing in my life right now!
I will wait your letter with impatience. I hope you have a good mood
and you're waiting for my answer!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Annie Walker

UK, Maidstone


Sent by Samsung phone!


MY REPLY


Hello Annie.

I’m sorry to hear your boss is making you work overtime. What a bastard. Just think of all that extra money though! You must be raking it in. It’s good to be independent and have your own cash isn’t it?

I’m glad to hear you’ve been dreaming about our first meeting. I’ve been dreaming about you too – disgusting, depraved dreams involving the Chuckle Brothers and various oversized vegetables.

Unfortunately I don’t know what you look like, so I’ve had to use my imagination – I’ve drawn a picture of how I see you when I close my eyes – here it is:



I hope you’re this beautiful in real life – I’ve spent the weeks since our last conversation masturbating furiously over this image. In fact, because I want to bring my ‘A game’ to the bedroom when we eventually meet, I’ve even started to take it a step further. I’ve been practicing my sex moves Annie. Sellotaping an orange to my sofa and rehearsing on that didn’t seem realistic enough. Now I’ve kidnapped my neighbour’s cat, Mr Biggles, and have been making love to him instead. It makes one hell of a racket I can tell you! But it’s definitely more like how imagine our love-making will be, so it’s worth it. I’ve even made a mask with your face on it which I make Mr Biggles wear – otherwise it might be a bit weird!

I have to say, I was a little concerned when you said in your e-mail: “For me, a lot of the meaning of your letter, because it's the only nice thing in my life right now!”

Is Maidstone really that bad? You sound slightly suicidal. On the other hand, it does make me kind of feel all warm and fuzzy inside that I’m ‘the only nice thing’ in your life right now. … it really makes me feel needed! It’s clear we are developing a deep, genuine bond of affection.

Like I said in my last e-mail, it’s a real shame that some unscrupulous bastards try and scam the emotionally vulnerable by taking advantage of their loneliness isn’t it? You’d have to be a pretty sick, soulless, emotionally stunted, morally bankrupt fuckwit to do something like that wouldn’t you? At least we don’t have to worry about that. How lucky we are to have found true love!

That’s right Annie. I love you. I have tried to express my love in a poem/song… oh it’s not much – I’m no Jimmy Nail! But it’s the best I can do. Are you familiar with the work of Jimmy Nail Annie? He’s one of my favourite artists. My doctor says I’m obsessed with him – obsessed! Yes I have a room covered in photos of him all over the walls*, a life size effigy of him which I sometimes have intimate times with, and a tattoo of his face on my face, but obsessed? Come on. Anyway, here’s the poem – you can sing it along to the tune of Jimmy’s seminal hit, Crocodile Shoes if you want:


‘Annie Annie with your hair so silky brown/black/blonde/ red/grey [delete as appropriate]
I want to touch you and do unspeakable things to you
Some of them involving poo
Yours or mine I don’t care
Ooo ee oo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang’


I feel it captures the essence of my love, so I hope you like it. I hope I’m not being too forward, but I was thinking – perhaps you could come and visit me? I have a lovely bed made up for you in the basement. The others seemed to like it before they ‘went away’. Well, I say bed; it’s more of a small box with a lock on it. It’s cosy though! I’m sure you’ll arrange it just how you like - you can put a poster up in there if you want. I have a good selection of Jimmy Nail ones you could choose from. You probably won’t be able to see them because there’s not much light in the box, but it’s comforting to know Jimmy’s there with you, in the dark, watching you isn’t it? I think so.

Which brings me on to my final point. Unfortunately I have hit some hard times financially Annie. I know I said I was a multi-millionaire, but since our last correspondence I made a bad investment in a Paul Daniels love doll factory. I currently have 50,000 inflatable Paul Daniels in my house - can I shift them? Not a chance. No one’s buying. I don’t know what’s wrong with people sometimes. As the great man himself would say – ‘you’ll like this, not a lot, but you’ll like it”. Not enough to fork out £59.99 per unit apparently.

So anyway, I was wondering Annie, would it be possible for you to lend me some money to tide me over until my job seekers allowance comes in? Only £50 or so. I can send you the details of my PayPal account if you like?

I’m sure you’ll agree, seen as how you have expressed such affection for me – you can take it out of all that extra overtime money you’ve been earning!

I await your reply.


Yours fanatically,


R


* I particularly like the photos of him going into Waitrose – he had such a nice pair of trousers on that day. Unfortunately I couldn’t admire them for too long as he would have seen me crouching in that bush. Anyway, I digress.