Me and Annie kissing in a tree... oh what's that Annie...? you want my bank details?......... Here's what happened when a fat Polish man pretended to be a woman named Annie, in a thinly veiled effort to de-fraud me.
'Annie' replied to my e-mail... lucky me! I thought I'd see how she'd feel about meeting a sinster, sadistic mental case. I'm guessing she'll be fine with it.
'ANNIE'S' E-MAIL'
Unfortunately I can not write a lot today because my boss asked me to do work
overtime. I am sorry that I can not answer your letter fully, but I promise that
tomorrow or the day after tomorrow I will write you a long letter! I just want
you to know that I think about you and do not forget about you. As soon as I am
free and my mind will be free for you, then I will write to you. I am very glad
that you did not throw me and keep writing to me. I am confident that we will
become good friends and maybe between us will be something more. Now I dream about
so that we can have our first phone call as soon as possible. I promise you that
we will call up and meet each other when the time comes. I ask you to write me a
letter at any time, I will be very pleased to read your letter. For me, a lot of
the meaning of your letter, because it's the only nice thing in my life right now!
I will wait your letter with impatience. I hope you have a good mood
and you're waiting for my answer!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Annie Walker
UK, Maidstone
Sent by Samsung phone!
MY REPLY
Hello Annie.
I’m sorry to hear your boss is making you work overtime. What a bastard. Just think of all that extra money though! You must be raking it in. It’s good to be independent and have your own cash isn’t it?
I’m glad to hear you’ve been dreaming about our first meeting. I’ve been dreaming about you too – disgusting, depraved dreams involving the Chuckle Brothers and various oversized vegetables.
Unfortunately I don’t know what you look like, so I’ve had to use my imagination – I’ve drawn a picture of how I see you when I close my eyes – here it is:
I hope you’re this beautiful in real life – I’ve spent the weeks since our last conversation masturbating furiously over this image. In fact, because I want to bring my ‘A game’ to the bedroom when we eventually meet, I’ve even started to take it a step further. I’ve been practicing my sex moves Annie. Sellotaping an orange to my sofa and rehearsing on that didn’t seem realistic enough. Now I’ve kidnapped my neighbour’s cat, Mr Biggles, and have been making love to him instead. It makes one hell of a racket I can tell you! But it’s definitely more like how imagine our love-making will be, so it’s worth it. I’ve even made a mask with your face on it which I make Mr Biggles wear – otherwise it might be a bit weird!
I have to say, I was a little concerned when you said in your e-mail: “For me, a lot of the meaning of your letter, because it's the only nice thing in my life right now!”
Is Maidstone really that bad? You sound slightly suicidal. On the other hand, it does make me kind of feel all warm and fuzzy inside that I’m ‘the only nice thing’ in your life right now. … it really makes me feel needed! It’s clear we are developing a deep, genuine bond of affection.
Like I said in my last e-mail, it’s a real shame that some unscrupulous bastards try and scam the emotionally vulnerable by taking advantage of their loneliness isn’t it? You’d have to be a pretty sick, soulless, emotionally stunted, morally bankrupt fuckwit to do something like that wouldn’t you? At least we don’t have to worry about that. How lucky we are to have found true love!
That’s right Annie. I love you. I have tried to express my love in a poem/song… oh it’s not much – I’m no Jimmy Nail! But it’s the best I can do. Are you familiar with the work of Jimmy Nail Annie? He’s one of my favourite artists. My doctor says I’m obsessed with him – obsessed! Yes I have a room covered in photos of him all over the walls*, a life size effigy of him which I sometimes have intimate times with, and a tattoo of his face on my face, but obsessed? Come on. Anyway, here’s the poem – you can sing it along to the tune of Jimmy’s seminal hit, Crocodile Shoes if you want:
‘Annie Annie with your hair so silky brown/black/blonde/ red/grey [delete as appropriate]
I want to touch you and do unspeakable things to you
Some of them involving poo
Yours or mine I don’t care
Ooo ee oo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang’
I feel it captures the essence of my love, so I hope you like it. I hope I’m not being too forward, but I was thinking – perhaps you could come and visit me? I have a lovely bed made up for you in the basement. The others seemed to like it before they ‘went away’. Well, I say bed; it’s more of a small box with a lock on it. It’s cosy though! I’m sure you’ll arrange it just how you like - you can put a poster up in there if you want. I have a good selection of Jimmy Nail ones you could choose from. You probably won’t be able to see them because there’s not much light in the box, but it’s comforting to know Jimmy’s there with you, in the dark, watching you isn’t it? I think so.
Which brings me on to my final point. Unfortunately I have hit some hard times financially Annie. I know I said I was a multi-millionaire, but since our last correspondence I made a bad investment in a Paul Daniels love doll factory. I currently have 50,000 inflatable Paul Daniels in my house - can I shift them? Not a chance. No one’s buying. I don’t know what’s wrong with people sometimes. As the great man himself would say – ‘you’ll like this, not a lot, but you’ll like it”. Not enough to fork out £59.99 per unit apparently.
So anyway, I was wondering Annie, would it be possible for you to lend me some money to tide me over until my job seekers allowance comes in? Only £50 or so. I can send you the details of my PayPal account if you like?
I’m sure you’ll agree, seen as how you have expressed such affection for me – you can take it out of all that extra overtime money you’ve been earning!
I await your reply.
Yours fanatically,
R
* I particularly like the photos of him going into Waitrose – he had such a nice pair of trousers on that day. Unfortunately I couldn’t admire them for too long as he would have seen me crouching in that bush. Anyway, I digress.
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